GOT ANY TOP TENS ON DISABILITY SEND IN YOUR IDEAS OR SUGGEST AMENDMENTS TO MINE.

TOP TEN WORST THINGS THE FAMILY OF A DISABLED PERSON SAY AT A FUNERAL

1. THERE’S NO HANDICAPPED IN HEAVEN

2. HIS TROUBLES ARE OVER NOW

3, NO FLOWERS ALL DONATIONS TO THE RNIB

4. SURELY THE BUS DRIVER MUST HAVE KNOWN SHE WAS UNDER THE BUS HANDCUFFED TO THE F****R?

5. ANYONE WANT HIS PROZAC?

6. HE WAS TRAGIC IN LIFE BUT BRAVE IN DEATH

7. I WONDER HOW HIS DISABLED FRIENDS GOT HERE?

8. HE’LL PROBABLY COME BACK JUST LIKE ME IN THE NEXT LIFE

9. HE USED TO BE A WHEELCHAIR NOW HE’S WALKING WITH THE STARS

10. ARE THEY BURYING HIS WHEELCHAIR?

TOP TEN WORST RECORDS OF ALL TIME

1. RUBY DON’T TAKE YOUR LOVE TO TOWN

2. I CAN SEE FOR MILES AND MILES

3 WALK TALL

4. FREE NELSON MANDELA

5. IF YOUR HAPPY AND YOU KNOW IT CLAP YOUR HANDS

6 THE OKEY COKEY

7. SOMETHING INSIDE SO STRONG (PUKE)

8. ITS NOT WITH WHAT YOU’RE BORN WITH

9. SIMPLE SIMON SAYs

10 BLOWING IN THE WIND

TOP TEN WORST CHAT UP LINES

1. THAT’S A HORRIBLE LEG YOU GOT

2. WILL YOU ALWAYS BE LIKE THAT

3. IS THAT A CALIPER ON YOUR LEG OR ARE YOU JUST PLEASED TO SEE ME?

4. I’VE ALWAYS WANTED TO SHAG A DISABLED PERSON..HOW DISABLED ARE YOU?

5. I WISH YOU WOULDN’T SEE ME JUST AS YOUR NURSE

6. THAT HOIST YOU’VE GOT WOULD BE GOOD FOR SOME

S AND M

7. DO YOU WANT TO FEEL MY FACE?

8. I JUST WANT TO LOVE YOU AS A FRIEND

9. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN TO SEX THERAPY

10. I USED TO GO TO SPOD

A VERY NICE INCLUSIVE FIELDS OF DREAMS

A SHORT STORY

BY JOHNNY CRESCENDO

Once upon a time there lived very nice lady called Bunty. She was kind and nice and lived on her own. One day she was out in crippledom low street when a voice spoke to her. "A community that excludes one of its members is not a community." said the gentle angelic voice in her head.

She was startled for even though she was of short stature she really wasn’t sure about hearing invisible voices. She worried that she might be god forbid ....Neuro Diverse! However the voice only came once but that evening in the comfort of her nice little cottage she couldn’t put it out of her mind.

A week passed and by now she had put it down to a really good motto that she had made up. She had been excluded as a disabled person in many ways. It would be a good slogan. She had even been excluded by some disabled people come to think about it.

It was a Sunday 2 weeks after she had heard the first voice that it happened.. She was in her garden weeding the raised beds with her Personal Assistant, Nurse Betty, when the voice came again. This time it was louder and more powerful.

"If you build it we will come."

What?" said Bunty, "who are you?"..

"IF YOU BUILD IT WE WILL COME"

"Build it Build what?" shouted Bunty." but the voice subsided and there was only Nurse Betty rushing through the magnolias saying,

"What’s up duck, you aright?"

"Didn’t you hear it the voice," said Bunty.

"What Voice don’t be daft," said Nurse Betty. Bunty decided to say no more, Nurse Betty could be a little over zealous on the sedatives, not to mention the enamas, but that night in bed she pondered what the voice meant. And then it came to her! Build a community that excludes no one! Build an inclusive community! She had been chosen because she had been made to feel excluded all her life, who better then to understand the loneliness and isolation that being excluded felt.

.............................................

Now Bunty as well as being very nice was also very clever and a good organiser. In no time at all she had got her Flyer out on many email lists and newsletters. It was a very inclusive letter in Braille, on Tape in Widget Plain language and on video and cd. Bunty had also raised enough interest and money to put it into all the spoken languages of the land. Basically the flyer said.....

"Do you want to join me in a community where no one is excluded, everyone is made to feel included and welcome. A community that excludes one of its members is not a community. "

She held accessible meetings in accessible venues at inclusive times. After two months she had attracted a nice group of people, mainly ageing hippies or new age people, people who had lots of experience in being involved in lots of campaigns. Bunty was a real wiz at fund raising and as all the members of the community were, in their words, not really into money and capitalism they quickly raised through the sale of their assets enough money to build a nice little village of their own on an island they bought collectively off the Irish coast.

Three years past and the village was built without much dissent or fighting. They lived an idyllic and simple life, living off the land. Bunty actually had an accessible combined harvester so she could be fully involved. She could be heard singing "Ive got an accessible combined harvester you've got a radar key."

Then on one beautiful summer day whilst she was at the far side of the cornfield having lunch by her harvester the voice came again, "Now you’ve built it we will come."

To be honest she really wasn’t expecting this. She had built it and those nice people had come. Was this the voice God ? Was She or He or a mixture coming themselves?

She didn’t have to wait long.

The next day a boat appeared on the horizon. Not one of the big boats sailing from Ireland to England that sailed by on a daily basis but a small dirty little sailboat.

"God is poor then," thought Bunty with a tinge of remorse for all the money she had once had. The boat pulled up to the nice little jetty which had a nice little banner saying "All are welcome’ billowing in the summer breeze. In the Boat was a man dressed in what could only be described as rags, un shaven smelly and smashed out of his brains. The boat almost capsized as the villagers dragged him from the boat. Flowerbottle and her significant other took him to their house where he immediately fell asleep. 2 days later he was still sleeping despite attempts to wake him by Horace the healer who was crushing invigorating herbs into a bowl of warm communal urine.

It was only when the Flowerbottles could no longer stand the smell that they decided to bath him that he woke up. "Dispeckle refickdeck a defoit basert." he screamed looking for his clothes and holding a towel in front of him. "Phuq heju I sicku jummpy" he sounded agitated.

So God is a violent God mused Bunty a couple of Day’s later.

She felt supportive of the Flowerbottles attitude after The visitor had burned their house down. The whole community was now rebuilding it. She could hear the singing from the open window. Horace had made a remarkable recovery from having been forced by the man to drink a galleon of the collective urine. In fact his acne had all but healed up. Mojustmo the community’s linguist had been trying to establish a rapport with the man who at present was being bound in non violent straight jackets for his own safety. So far Mojustmo hadn’t got past descriptions of genetalia. And supperyopup which meant orifice.

Then another boat sailed towards the island.

...................................

This boat however was very different from the first craft. A slick brilliant white speedboat skipping and bobbing across the water swept into the nice little jetty splashing the welcome banner with its final wave. Behind the wheel a totally naked white woman turned around and said Hi my names Sugarbabe. Gizzmo a true friend of the earth was the first to speak.. Hi can we help you and then more boldly ....would you like some clothes.?"

Gosh I forgot said Sugar I suppose so but it was such a lovely day, she moved her hands over her crotch. But this just made her breasts stick out even more. Bunty stepped forward in a protective and assertive manner and suggested they went to her nice little house.

TO BE CONTINUED!!!!!

PART TWO

This boat however was very different from the first craft. A slick brilliant white speedboat skipping and bobbing across the water swept into the nice little jetty splashing the welcome banner with its final wave. Behind the wheel a totally naked woman turned around and said Hi my names Sugarbabe. Gizzmo a true friend of the earth was the first to speak.. Hi can we help you and then more boldly ....would you like some clothes.?"

At this point it we need to describe what it was like to live on the island. There were no laws and no rules. Until this point people had operated on consensus and because most if not all the islanders believed in the dream of inclusion they could all agree on lots of things and move forward. They all hated structure, they all hated decisions which excluded even one person. They believed in persuasion and listening and co counseling to resolve debate. Their was no crime on the island and no class or so they thought but of course for people to grasp the concepts of inclusion and the ideals that all the islanders help so deeply meant that the islanders were predominantly well educated and middle class, apart from the Jones’s who were from a very poor background. The Jones until now had enjoyed the education that the villagers had freely and eagerly given. All of the villagers claimed that their parents or grandparents came from the same stock as the Jones’s.

Some people like Bunty had come from a very rich background which made her feel constantly guilty even though as a disabled woman she had always felt excluded from the culture of the rich. There were few meetings and if people couldn’t agree on a small matter like smoking people in minority (smokers) could smoke in private. On bigger issues like cleaning the toilets it was seen as an honor to do but also ok to opt out because you couldn’t because of physical limitations or personal hangups. There was no currency on the island or even a barter system. People just relied on being good neighbors or self sufficiency. The motto was look after yourself and look after each other.

The only semblance of a hierarchcy was respect. In this case Bunty was highly respected for being the creator of the community the talisperson. Beneath her was Nurse Betty her assistant who was seen as a role model for how a caring person should behave and make choices. Apollo 13 and her family were next alongside Lovechild, who had initially networked within the new age and ageing hippy communities respectively. All of these families work very hard to put down their status which in actual fact was not an issue. People knew them and loved them...... and agreed with them.

.......

It transpired that Sugarbabe was 21 and had stolen her boyfriends boat to get away from the emotional distress that her boyfriend had caused her over many months. She was bi sexual she explained to everyone who would listen which was most people. She had been abused and discriminated because of her sexuality and her disability which was hidden and personal. She had been out on the sea to get some space and some freedom and couldn’t believe that an island and a community like this existed. It didn’t take long for Sugar babe to decide to stay and be accepted.....At least in the beginning.

The man they provisionally called Colin was a different matter. It took a month to stop him hitting people every time the non violent straightjacket was taken off. Horace the healer was in deep co-counseling and Mojustmo had only found the work for testicles jhonjob through the personal experience of being kicked repeatedly in the jhonjob.

Now he had stopped being immediately violent it was clear that he was asking about his boat and wanted to go. Unfortunate his ramshackle craft had sunk almost as he got off it. After two months Colin was communicating in English but was not volunteering where he came from or anything about his past. The islanders had secretly hoped that his first spoken wish they could understand would have been build me a boat but it wasn’t. Colin had spent too many hours in the non violent straight jacket to not want vengeance on his captors as he saw them. In these hours Colin had observed all that was going on in the community. He’d had its philosophy rammed down his throat until it choked him. Colin had come from a dire situation into a nice pink fluffy one. He was a survivor and an opportunist and he wasn’t ready to leave just yet. As a newcomer to the island Sugarbabe was asked nicely to bring Colin’s meals to him. They were cooked by the Jones as Sugarbabe couldn’t cook and found it mentally distressing as she had to cook for her abuser.

Colin was very nonviolent around Sugarbabe.